Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008
Madonna and Guy Ritchie say that despite the breakdown of their marriage, their relationship is still cordial and they want to reach an amicable divorce settlement.
Many couples start out that way but then find that things deteriorate as they start to negotiate the details of how their assets should be divided. We see this not only in divorces between high profile couples like Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills but also with thousands of ordinary couples throughout the country.
It is all too easy for emotions to take over and then couples start to dig their heels in making progress very difficult. Nevertheless, it is possible to achieve an amicable settlement, as long as both sides can put their emotions aside and behave rationally. These are a few pointers that may help couples in this situation.
Talk to each other
Communication is obviously difficult for couples who are splitting up, especially if one partner has had an affair or there are arguments over the children. Eventually however, no matter how bitter the arguments, you are going to have to talk. The sooner both sides accept this, the better the chances of reaching a quick and relatively painless settlement.
Be realistic about money
Some men resent paying maintenance, even if they have been married for 30 years and their wife has stayed at home to look after the children. In these circumstances, men need to accept that their wives are likely to get a large share of their assets as well as maintenance to compensate for the fact that their earning power diminished while they stayed home to care for their family. By the same token, women divorcing after a short marriage that hasn’t produced children and hasn’t interrupted their careers or earning capacity may have to accept they’ll get very little or no maintenance.
Think of the children
All couples love their children but don’t always act in their best interests. Sometimes the children are used as weapons in the heat of the battle with one parent trying to deny the other contact. Otherwise rational people will tell themselves they are doing it for the good of the child when really they are punishing their partner. Couples must realise that nearly all divorce settlements will result in both sides being granted some form of contact so it is better to accept that right at the outset and try to reach agreement as soon as possible.
Think ahead and realise how much better it will be for the children if they have regular contact with both parents, particularly if those parents can put their differences aside and bear to face each other for landmark events such as birthdays, engagement parties, weddings and so on.
That is what is best for the child. Deep down people know that but sometimes they have to be reminded.
Try mediation
Put some couples in the same room and they’ll tear each other apart so mediation may not be for everyone. Nevertheless, mediation doesn’t have to be face to face across the table. It’s possible to use separate rooms to iron out differences with both parties receiving advice from their solicitors.
Avoid court
Madonna says she wants to reach an agreement without going to court. That is certainly the best way if possible because a judge may reach a decision that upsets one side or another, and in some case, upsets both sides.
Negotiated settlements in which couples are prepared to be reasonable are nearly always better. Couples who reach agreement in this way are more likely to form a civilised relationship for the future. That is better for them and their children.
Make a pre-nup agreement
For those who’ve yet to tie the knot, pre-nuptial agreements are worth considering. They have the advantage of allowing couples to discuss financial matters rationally when they still love each other as opposed to irrationally in the midst of a bitter divorce. Pre-nups aren’t legally binding in this country but courts will take them into account if they are properly drawn up so they can be very helpful.
For more help contact Marie Stock.
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